Internet Axxxess

Many returning students have come to find that another more amorous and infamous hub was no longer available to them once they arrived back on campus.

Sep 10, 2017

XXX Illustration by Joaquin Kunkel

According to John Sexton’s vision, the city of Abu Dhabi and the UAE exist as a global crossroads – at the intersection of Asia, Africa and Europe. From Abu Dhabi, one can access any number of international destinations, making the city a global hub. Unrelatedly, many returning students came to find that another more amorous and infamous hub was no longer available to them once they arrived on campus at the beginning of this year.

Because of the delicate nature of the subject, discussion of it in person and on online forums has been limited to hushed conversations in the dining hall and a handful of anonymously posted memes and confessions on various Facebook groups. As people don’t feel very comfortable discussing this shift in policy openly, they turn to evasive, passive aggressive answers.

Matt Urbate, Class of 2021, commented, “What hub? I’ve never heard of that. Why are you asking me anyway, you creep?” while rubbing his apparent tennis elbow.

Nevertheless, many students are asking themselves what could have prompted this action, after seven years of the university’s existence. Lacking any concrete answers, speculation and conspiracy theories have run wild among the student body. According to a student who asked to be identified only as AJ, the situation might have something to do with the Gulf crisis. Others theorize that the developments have something to do with a decision in the highest levels of administration.

“I just think AJ is sort of a prude. He probably just wants to protect us from corrupting influences or something,” said Jill Ingoff, Class of 2019.

Jill’s brother Jack, Class of 2021, disagrees. “I think it must be a faculty member’s kid,” he said. “I remember when I was in high school my parents happened upon my search history. I was really [in trouble].” According to Ingoff, we are dealing with a case of “campus-wide parental control.”

Another mystery that remains is how the list of banned sites was determined, as it is not completely exhaustive, according to our investigative team’s work.

“Maybe there was an email distributed amongst faculty, asking what their most common incognito searches are or something,” theorized the elder Ingoff.

“Isn’t it obvious?” asked Jack Ingoff. “It is just the browsing history of this kid I was talking about.” With a hint of admiration in his voice he added, “And if I’m right, well, that kid draws from a very wide pool of resources.”

A small number of students is trying to mount a case against these measures by appealing to academic freedom. It is unclear how exactly this argument could be made convincingly, although it is rumored that some biology students have made inquiries about changing Capstone topics towards human anatomy.

One of the few forthcoming students, Jeremy Wankerstein, Class of 2020, gave an insider tip to The Gazelle about how to beat the system.“If you go to Google Image search and type in ‘big old jugs’ with Safe Search off and scroll past the beautifully painted fifth Century BC amphorae – well, let’s just say you’ll thank me later, but I won’t shake your hand.”

Áron Braunsteiner is a Satire Columnist. Email him at [email protected]

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