BREAKING NEWS: NYUAD CUTS TIES WITH NY CAMPUS, BECOMES UAD

To offer a correction, we would like to report that NYUAD, now called UAD, was actually the first to cut ties with the NY campus.

Nov 11, 2017

satire Illustration by Joaquin Kunkel

According to multiple news sources across the globe, New York University has severed ties to various degrees of severity with the university formerly known as NYU Abu Dhabi. To offer a correction, we would like to report that UAD, as NYUAD is now called, was actually the first to cut ties with the New York campus.

The university’s founders planned NYU as a “center of higher learning that would be open to all, regardless of national origin, religious beliefs, or social background.” Following recent actions of the U.S. government, including harsh denials of visas with no justification, the UAD community feels that maintaining ties with a university located in such an oppressive regime is against its own mission statement of diversity, equity and inclusion.

The UAD community repeatedly asked the NYU administration to put legitimate pressure on the Trump administration; however, they have been unable to do so. While the move to sever ties with NYU is not likely to change any U.S. laws, it puts pressure on the rest of the Global Network University to take action. NYU’s founders made a promise to uphold its values; however, this promise has been broken since President Trump’s inauguration. Projecting blame onto the U.S. government is simply not enough. By continuing to contribute to the U.S. economy, UAD would have continued to condone its inhumane actions. The values promoted by NYU should not depend on the current leadership of the country. The rest of the GNU must divest from the New York based campus if the U.S. continues to violate the university’s principles.

We also condemn NYU’s lack of environmental action. UAD is decades ahead of the NY campus, having successfully implemented a campus-wide ban of 500 mL plastic water bottles and paper cups, while the NYU campus lags behind in terms of basic environmental issues. When UAD students visit the Washington Square campus, they find themselves in a nightmarish world of plastic cutlery and take-out containers, which are the only options in main dining halls, such as Lipton, Kimmel and Downstein.

UAD is currently in the process of breaking ties with the GNU as a whole, as the campuses situated in locations such as Shanghai, Tel Aviv and Buenos Aires have also failed to fix the political regimes of the countries in which they are situated, since this is ultimately the goal of a liberal arts institution. If a country does not follow the advice of the finest undergraduate students — described as excellent even by the university’s fiercest opponents — and faculty the world has to offer, the country does not deserve the prestige this community brings to its country. By adhering to the flawed laws of these countries, the campuses have compromised the GNU’s values and endangered its vision.

UAD recognizes that it is impossible to find a worldly location that will completely support its founder’s mission; for this reason, the university is currently in the process of transitioning to a new location. Using the rocket booster John Sexton has been secretly building in the dark bowels of the Experimental Research Building during his newfound free time, the entire student body and UAD community will be rocketed to a new venture, Moon York University. Despite concerns of free speech in a place with no atmosphere, it is en route to becoming the first campus of the Intergalactic Network University. It will be led by newly-instated UAD President Al Bloom, colloquially, Al Bloom the Moon Tycoon.

Meanwhile, Al Bloom the Moon Tycoon has called for the collection of all NYU-branded merchandise to be burned in a ceremonial bonfire on Nov. 14 at 8 p.m. at the Downtown Campus— totally where the university resides.

Paula Dozsa and Aron Braunsteiner are satire columnists. Email them at [email protected]

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