Duo of Freshmen set out to prove once and for all why “Feminism is the best/worst” in vague, 500 word articles.

“I think I can probably make a real impact here” is what Emily Jasperson said to herself as she handed in her early draft of her essay for The Gazelle’s Gender Issue. Jasperson, a Fresh(wo)man student from Connecticut has decided that her time to shine had arrived as she was running late for class and she spotted the poster for The Gazelle’s Gender Issue in the western Campus Center elevator.

“I just thought to myself, what better time to speak some truth to power than by publishing an inconclusive, 500 word think piece on how reconciling certain cultural mores and feminism can be challenging in the student newspaper of a liberal college?”

“If not me, then who?” she asked herself, wondering who else would be able to synergize quotes from the one and a half Judith Butler essays on gender performativity she had read during her first semester.

“I started with the observation that even though feminism calls for equality and stuff, I still kinda like it when guys pay for my stuff on dates” Jasperson told The Gazelle. “Then once I threw in those Butler quotes I realized that performativity didn’t actually have much to do with my argument.”

In response to why she decided to leave in the quotes even if they did not serve her thesis, she replied, “It looked a lot more legit with those quotes in there. Also, I had already written it, and wanted to win that date with the cute editor-in-chief.”

When questioned why readers would lend credibility to her opinions, Jasperson pointed to her Instagram account full of Rupi Kaur quotes, which had over 230 followers.

“I also read a couple of chapters of Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean in” she said, while rolling up her sleeve to reveal a tattoo on her forearm. It read “Done is better than perfect,” an attitude clearly reflected in her article.

Meanwhile, buried under layers of calculus homework and duct tape, Freshest of Men, Jackson Strong was crafting his own submission. He had heard that The Gazelle, the lefty campus rag, was publishing a Gender issue during an argument about gender discrimination in STEM with one of three girls in his Foundations of Engineering class.

He immediately felt that he had to balance the tone of “Feminazi hacks in today’s liberal newsmedia” with his own takedown of radical third wave feminism, crafted from various “Brutal takedown of feminism” videos by comedians and posts from his favorite subreddit, The Red Pill.

“I mean, these people have no understanding of basic biology” Strong said, as he was considering switching to Computer Science to avoid Biology in FoS 3 and 4.

“Men were the hunters, while women gathered, so we evolved differently. The same spatial intelligence we used to shoot arrows at our prey, is what makes my AutoCAD skills superior to those of Jessica, for example.”

At time of writing, both Jasperson and Strong were busy crafting responses to the anticipated Facebook drama caused by one of their articles’ five anticipated readers.