A quick search through posts on NYU Abu Dhabi’s facebook groups shows that one of the main issues students on campus face is the loss of various personal items, ranging from water bottles, laptop chargers, room cards and roommates to dreams and aspirations.
“Students here lose things. Often. And it is for this reason, and this reason alone, that the Saadiyat campus currently has more cameras than human beings,” explained Bertha Tailus, the head of Public Safety. “We even have an entire department dedicated to reviewing security footage and helping students find their lost headphones. We’ve also got an up-and-coming program specialized in locating CamelBaks, but the funding hasn’t come through yet.”
We reached out to several of the students who have solicited Public Safety’s help to retrieve their lost items.
“I lost my black CamelBak water bottle a couple of weeks ago,” shared junior Fergie T. Fuller. “It was really special to me because it had been signed by John Sexton himself, so as you can imagine, I was pretty heartbroken. The first thing I did was post about it on Facebook. After ten minutes had passed and nobody said anything, I went directly to Public Safety and demanded that they share their security footage with me.”
Fuller found her water bottle within an hour.
“Not only were they able to find where I’d lost the water bottle, but they also located the person who took it and sent me live updates on their current location,” said Fuller.
A freshman who hadn’t seen his roommate in over a week after he had said he was “heading to some workshop in the Arts Center” decided to report him as lost as well. Two weeks later, Public Safety is still tracking him down.
“We often get reports of students who just seem to have disappeared without a trace, mostly somewhere in the Arts Center or basement,” shared Tailus. “Given the complicated nature of these spaces, rescue missions take a while. There was one case where a student was thought to be studying away at NYU Florence for two months, but was actually just trying to find one of the rooms in the Arts Center. He was able to survive on leftover pizza slices and popcorn from last spring’s Capstone screening events.”
Another student who had recently lost her NYU ID card was told by Public Safety to look for it under her bed.
“It was just an educated guess,” responded Tailus when asked whether there were cameras installed in student dorms. “Anyway, for some reason students here think we’re also responsible for finding their lost job opportunities and freshman dreams. We’re not. They can go to the Campus Life Complaint Committee
for that. Or write a confession or something.”
When asked why there were no cameras installed in laundry rooms, Tailus responded that there were plans of installing them but that the security company responsible was currently being investigated for money laundering.
Paula Dozsa is a satire columnist. Email her at email@example.com.