Campus Reacts to Commencement Speaker Announcement

"I can’t believe we’re going to have one of the leads of Dumb and Dumber on our stage!”

May 06, 2018

pfpf Illustration by Tala Nassar

NYU Abu Dhabi’s recent announcement of their keynote speakers for this year’s Commencement led to an intense school-wide debate, with students desperate for a reason to procrastinate working on their capstones and final papers, expressing feelings ranging from excitement to indifference to outrage.

“I can’t believe we’re going to have one of the leads of Dumb and Dumber on our stage! Finally, somebody I can relate to,” stated one of the members of the Class of 2018 majoring in Theater. “Wait, what? It's John Kerry? Not Jim Carrey? Damn, nevermind then.”

Other students now have newfound respect for the school’s Political Science major, with three underclassmen reportedly having decided to switch majors.

“I used to make fun of the students majoring in Political Science because of how few requirements the major has,” said senior Felix O Smith. “But given the speakers we’ve had so far, I guess they’re actually the only true future Global Leaders™ of this university.”

In the hours following the official announcement, the news was also shared by various media outlets. This media coverage led some students to wonder whether or not Commencement is as much about them as it is about the school scoring another article in The National.

The news also received its fair amount of attention on social media. “I’m so excited about John Carry giving our speech! I’ve been a fan of his since I was three years old #blessed” reads a Facebook post by one of the graduating seniors.

“The world just has so much to learn from the U.S.,” commented a senior in reply to the post . “Where else could we possibly look for Commencement speakers? I’m frankly honored to be given the opportunity to have Carry share his wisdom with us.”

The two later corrected the former U.S. Secretary of State’s last name.

Others expressed disapproval regarding the choice, stating that the school has exclusively invited politically-involved speakers. When asked which speakers they would prefer to see on stage, some shared their sadness at the fact that Colonel Sanders was no longer alive.

“I don’t think anything embodies the spirit of our university as much as KFC does,” said David Twister, Class of 2018.

When The Gazelle approached members of the Commencement organizing committee about the students’ complaints, we received the following response:

“Yeah, we honestly wish we could take the student speaker suggestions more seriously, but we need to maintain our high profile status, you know? Oh, by the way, make sure you fill out the senior exit survey, we really care about your input!”

"Meow," stated future Vice Chancellor Streetcat when approached about the subject.

Paula Dozsa is a satire columnist. Email her at [email protected]

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