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Photo by Tom Abi Samra

Construction to begin on Pyramid complex for Campus Cats

The cats will finally be worshipped with the respect they’ve deserved all along, that too, on a pyramid that overlooks their mighty dominion

Mar 2, 2019

After 3,500 years, the Global Leaders of NYU Abu Dhabi have revived the ancient Egyptian practice of cat worship and will begin building a crowd-funded pyramid complex in which the mighty felines of Saadiyat may enjoy their afterlife.
In last week’s groundbreaking ceremony, the Federation of University Residents in Reverence of Ill-mannered, Ever-lazy, Sunbathers, or FURRIES, christened the monument for Campus Cats. “Your time is through Al Bloom!”, declared Cal Ico, Class of 2020. “Time to give this campus back to its rightful owners!”
The pyramid will be built in front of the East dining hall, replacing the current benches, trees and platforms that even felinophobic students agree are awkward and just get in everyone's way. With a 20 square-meter base rising 12 meters above ground level, FURRIES believes this obstruction will actually serve a meaningful purpose: finally giving campus cats the respect they finally deserve.
“From the pyramid, the cats should be able to gaze out upon their mighty dominion of East side of the campus,” explained FURRIES spokesperson Kedi Angora, Class of 2019. “Mufasa had it right, everything the light touches is their kingdom. As such, all must bow before our adorable and vicious masters!”
Upon completion, students from across campus will be expected to offer tribute to their whiskered overlords. The pyramid’s designers made room for the greatest treasures imaginable: a bucket of KFC, an empty study room behind the Baraha, a decent-quality convenience store banana and a portrait of Vic.
While legions of ardent disciples support the project, student reception to the construction has been mixed. While some dislike the noise of construction and many Egyptian students have spoken out against what they see as cultural appropriation, the majority of the pyramid’s opponents cite the same basic objection: “Seriously… even if you’re a cat person, this seems a tad excessive.”
“I don’t understand why people like them so much,” mused senior Tryna Finajob. “They literally just lay in the middle of highline obstructing everyone as they flaunt their freedom at us. They just nap in the sun all day. Are they secretly photosynthetic or something? I’m not saying we should abuse them, but I don’t think they deserve our pity.”
“They’re tiny tigers we pass off as friends,” remarked freshman Justin “Justie” Fyed. “They have retractable blades on five of their six ends. These are killing machines, but we let them wander around campus like they’re lost Deliveroo drivers. No need to give them even more authority.”
Junior Jen Aller has another perspective to share. “I love cuddling with animals more than anything. The only reason I want to be an adult is so I can have a dog. But everytime we touch, I get this feeling, with every cat I pet, I sneeze and I cry, but even though I love them so, I have to let go, I can’t have them in my life.”
Indeed the reasons for disliking the campus cats are quite varied, but among all the clashing viewpoints, one student sought to bring clarity.
“I get it,” explained Rhys Onable, Class of 2021. “The cats are cute. The cats are soft. The cats probably came from far worse places and deserve some love. It makes sense. But if you’re more considerate to the cat who absconds with your breakfast than to the person who woke up hella early to make you that breakfast, you’ve got a problem.”
The pyramid is planned to be finished by fall of 2019, so we can expect it to be completed in about five years’ time. Until then, the cat fight continues.
Ian Hoyt is a satire columnist. Email him at
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