Despite his intellect, work ethic and ambition, Cal Broom has struggled for ten years to get his NYU Abu Dhabi diploma. Finally, after finishing his last P.E. course and finalizing his Capstone, the Super Senior is ready to graduate and start his career.
While Broom announced in March 2018 his intention to graduate this summer, many remained in denial that the beloved big man on campus would actually walk away. Purposely underloading courses and failing P.E. classes for almost a decade, Broom has dragged out his undergraduate career in order to give him more time to polish his Capstone Project. This past week however, Broom made quite clear that he would, in fact, be leaving.
In a massive celebration, students, faculty and staff congratulated Broom last Thursday on finally getting his act together. Dean of Science Shitakemushroom offered glowing praise of Broom’s teamwork and dedication, while the President and Vice President of Student Government — Tami Gorgonzola and Cheese Wheeler — presented their classmate with a commemorative banner, which may or may not have gone missing from the A5B laundry last week. When they began their speech, it only had one or two dozen signatures, but by the end, Broom had inspired the crowd so much that it emerged with around six more.
While everyone spoke quite highly of Broom, there was a wide range of emotion. NYU President Andrew Burr was quite saddened to see Broom go. “If it had been up to me,” he said in his speech “Broom would not have gotten the chance to graduate. I want him to stay as long as possible. He really knows how to see the best in people and build cooperation. He is never divisive.”
Veggie, the brilliant, visionary woman supporting Cal in his studies over the past decade also received much appreciation. It is not always easy when your spouse goes back to school, but their shared passion for his capstone topic made Veggie and Cal a formidable team. With Cal finally getting his diploma, soon to be unrestricted by the university life, it looks like these college sweethearts will get to finish growing old together.
Closing out the ceremony with an applause lasting even longer than Cal Broom’s infamous speeches, the NYUAD community thanked and remembered the impact of the university’s favorite platypus enthusiast.
Like many NYUAD graduates, Broom will soon be unemployed. While he has several great references, Broom has been attempting to find ways to improve his resume. He is really wishing he had started a Student Interest Group or gotten another assistantship.
Undeterred by his lackluster background, however, he’s considering a wide opportunity of careers. Some think he will try to write a book while others predict he will return to what he knows and eventually end up at a graduate school somewhere in the U.S. Rumors that Kevin Feige has approached Broom to head Phase 5 of the Marvel Cinematic Universe remain unconfirmed.
In the reception afterwards, Broom reminisced about his most memorable classes.
“Repeatedly Being Disavowed and Attacked by Ignorant New Yorkers was a fun one,” Broom said.
“Stretching a Budget When You Over Enroll was quite a challenge as well. But I have to say that the core course I’m taking right now – Institutional Memory – is probably the most important class I’ve taken. I’ve gotten to apply everything I’ve learned in all my other courses and it has helped me with the finishing touches of my capstone,” added Broom.
Broom began his Capstone from the very first day of classes at NYUAD. Refusing to graduate until it was the best possible form he could make it, Broom finally announced he will be passing his Capstone to alumna Chariot Weatherman for editing and revision.
“It may never be complete, but he’s written as much as you could ask any one student to do,” remarked his Capstone Mentor John Saxophone.
“It was just so ambitious. We weren’t sure he could do it, but he’s surpassed all of our expectations. He’s left us with something truly special.”
Come Aug. 1, Broom will turn in his Capstone. While over the last decade he’s been constantly revising the structure, style and content, one thing has not changed. Its title – NYUAD.
Ian Hoyt is a satire columnist. Email him at email@example.com.