For over a decade, the otherwise high achieving students of NYU Abu Dhabi have struggled to manage the complex and confusing social dynamics of university life. Whether in the Saadiyat bubble or the wilds of the corporate workplace, many awkward, uncomfortable situations remain impossible to avoid. In response to this crisis, NYU Abu Dhabi has introduced a revolutionary new academic program: the Social Engineering major.

“We’re very excited,” said NYUAD Registrar Yourchancesofconvincingmetoletyouoverloadarepretty Grimm. “It’s the most innovative thing we’ve done since calling sociology ‘Social Research and Public Policy’ to boost enrollment.”

Indeed, the new Social Engineering program is set to expand both academic and professional frontiers. Teaching students to manage personal and professional group dynamics, optimize social utility and exploit interpersonal conflict to advance their own agendas, the new curriculum seeks to prepare students for all the demands beyond the classroom.

“Finally, an Engineering program that prepares us for the real world!” exclaimed Ayminda Eedeeyes, Class of 2022. “Sure, I know the tensile strength of every steel alloy ever synthesized, but I’ve been studying mechanical engineering for two years and I still can’t assemble my aunt’s Ikea furniture. If I don’t get some practical skills soon, my family will disown me.”

From the major’s tentative curriculum, it looks like Eedeeyes might be able to keep his family after all.

SOCENG-UH 2002 Group Chat Management, for example, will train students in the highly technical skills required to secretly create a new group chat with only the people you actually like, while letting the old one slowly die. Students can also learn how to “accidentally” run into their crush in the Dining Hall with SOCENG-UH 1024 Approaches to Strategic Flirting. As students become more specialized, they can explore the more challenging material of SOCENG-UH 3010 Optimizing Passport Diversity for Spring Break Instagram Posts and SOCENG-UH 3033 Network Mapping Applications for Inviting Only the Chill RAs to Your Dorm Party.

It should be noted, however, that these final courses require the completion of an extremely challenging prerequisite: SOCENG-UH 2021 Building Herd Immunity.

As denoted by the course codes, it appears that the Social Engineering major will be associated with, but largely independent from, the rest of the Engineering department. When asked for an explanation, Dean of Engineering Savor Manakish had but one explanation.

“Social Engineering students simply cannot be required to take Foundations of Science,” he explained. “You can’t be a social engineer if you don’t have a social life.”

While not everyone is equally enthusiastic, the announcement has generated some much appreciated student optimism. Zoom fatigue may have left many feeling exhausted, but the prospect of learning how to keep a friend group together through a messy breakup might be enough to keep some of them going. Kicking off the program with a workshop on deciding who to leave out of your six person gatherings, the program’s future looks bright.

For some students, however, the announcement has come far too late.

“If only they’d had this program when I was still a freshman,” lamented Computer Engineering Lo Siksfiggurs, Class of 2021. “I could actually be valued by society — doing something my parents could proudly brag about in their WhatsApp groups. Instead I’m stuck with highly specialized training in circuitry design. I might as well have studied philosophy.”