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Illustration by Isabel Ríos

The Gazelle’s Management Gets Long Awaited Op-Ed War with Admin

We’ve been taking advantage of WSN’s idiocy for years, but by inviting NYUAD staff to contribute, we not only boost the potential for spicy drama but significantly increase the writing quality.

Nov 8, 2020

Editor’s Note: This article is a contribution to The Gazelle’s satire column.
Once the humble home for students to publish political hot takes about their home countries, the occasional photo essay and reactions to the community-wide emails the rest of us only pretended to read, in the past few months The Gazelle has begun to push the boundaries of journalism. Having encouraged faculty and staff to submit op-eds for publication, The Gazelle has finally begun to see the long desired fruits of their initiative: students and admin sparring with all the zeal of exes fighting over their favorite hoodie.
“We couldn’t be more pleased by this new chance to engage with the student body,” explained Senior Acting Assistant Associate Deputy Vice Chancellor Duinpeaar Izhard. “We just love getting told how to do our jobs by 20 year olds who’ve never needed to work within NYU’s institutional constraints. We don’t regret inflating their egos during the admission process at all.”
“We’re really quite excited by this development,” said Opinion Editor Raij Ughensdamasheen. “Now administrators can condescend to us on our very own platform! It’s great to finally receive such personal attention.”
The Gazelle’s recent push to include voices from non-student members of NYU Abu Dhabi has enabled dramatic new opportunities for community dialogue. The conversations that once occurred privately on NYUAD Forum and intra-department email chains can now become part of a truly public debate.
“That’s exactly what news media platforms are for,” said Deputy Features Editor Pype Dreem. “A forum where the great issues of the day might be discussed, critiqued, polemicized and rebutted for the advancement of public consciousness. No finer institution exists — just ask my pet unicorn!”
“Are you kidding me? The Gazelle just wants more tea!” confessed an anonymous member of the nepotistic cabal of besties who call themselves The Management. “If the Patatas controversy has taught us anything it’s that public outrage is the best way to generate traffic. We’ve been taking advantage of WSN’s idiocy for years, but by inviting NYUAD staff to contribute, we not only boost the potential for spicy drama but significantly increase the writing quality.”
But despite the claimant’s clear enthusiasm, a close examination of the record indicates that most contributions from faculty and staff actually receive broad support from readers and editors alike. In just the past six months, the various writings of Bryan Watermellon have inspired many and the moving Ma’a Salaama letter of Alta Mango prompted poignant reflection and community dialogue. Despite the best efforts of The Management to sow dissent in the NYUAD community, only a few seeds have managed to sprout.
Even so, some faculty and staff remain hesitant to even be interviewed by The Gazelle.
“If you even dare take what I say out of context, I’ll never reply to another request,” threatened Aythinkdair Forayam, Professor of Philosophy and Chair of the Committee for Managing the Excessive Number of Committees. “I read your papers. You’ll do anything to support your thesis even when you know it makes negative sense. I’m not lending my name to your article unless you guarantee the highest level of professionalism.”
“And don’t even get me started on the hack who writes the satire articles!” continued Forayam. “No field reporting and no fact checking — what does he even do? He probably thinks that just because something is meta, it’s automatically funny. Seriously, stop encouraging him.”
Indeed, while The Gazelle’s interface between students, faculty and staff risks a certain level of confrontation, the failure of The Management to cultivate sufficient levels of antagonism makes contributing as a writer or interview subject a boon for community relations more often than a liability. Only in an instance of bad faith argumentation or insensitive community stewardship could the stalwart editors justifiably indulge The Management’s belligerent agenda. Rigorously debating differing perspectives may be the foundation of a liberal arts education, but as every professor knows, students will only apply themselves if given a good reason.
Ian Hoyt is a Columnist. Email him at
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