Illustration by Dhabia AlMansoori

Student Government Drunk On Power After Minor Administrator Says “We’ll See”

With their newly unlocked authority, the E-Board has eagerly begun working on once unthinkable tasks like universal job placements at Goldman Sachs and allowing hotplates in the dorms.

Nov 21, 2020

Editor’s Note: This article is a contribution to The Gazelle’s satire column.
Maniacal cackling echoed across the Highline last Thursday as the E-Board of Student Government revelled in all their awesome authority. While once unsure if their countless hours of forum-hosting, meeting-running and minutes-taking were worth the trouble, their faith was now absolute. That afternoon, they had achieved the impossible: a minor NYU Abu Dhabi administrator responded to their request for more information on winter logistics with a magnanimous “We’ll see.”
Following the initial outburst of excitement, StuGov President Teodora Ricotta was observed looking out her window, fists clenched in the air, as she decreed her new platform to all within earshot: “Undisputed Rule! Absolute Authority! Unlimited Banana Pudding!”
When asked for the specifics of this policy change, Vice President Tina Crouton advised: “Can you give us a few days? We honestly didn’t expect to get this far. Like everyone else at this school, we’re making it up as we go.”
Many of their constituents were equally surprised.
“I didn’t know they had it in them,” exclaimed Obsur Dimanz, Class of 2021. “For an organization that relies entirely on goodwill and the implicit threat of angry student emails, they’ve really outdone themselves. I don’t know what they were doing before, but I’m glad they’re finally putting themselves to good use.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” added Wanzmor Tranzperinsi, Class of 2022. “This is truly unprecedented. Isn’t Student Government just a bunch of meaningless titles handed out by friends to make themselves feel important as they arbitrarily award funding to whatever pet projects catch their eyes?”
“We’re pretending to be a government,” explained Todal Sinik, Class of 2023 and Sophomore Class Representative. “What did you expect?”
Indeed, it appears that many of StuGov’s shortcomings are not particularly unique. Institutions are machines that convert countless hours of human life into limitless amounts of human frustration. It is against their nature to satisfy our unrealistic expectations.
Considering their latest triumph, StuGov’s bureaucracy might be exactly what we needed. When bargaining with NYU — a real estate investment firm with an education side hustle — maybe a resume-padding guild with an advocacy side hustle is the right tool for the job. “We play the game so you don’t have to,” said President Ricotta. “In order to hold admin’s feet to the fire, you have to spend the rest of your time massaging them. Our relationships are the only resource we have; there’s a reason we steward them so carefully.”
No matter how evasive their non-answers might appear now, without Student Government as a cordial mediator, admin’s policy changes would no doubt drive students to even greater heights of confused fury. Likewise, a mob without a spokesperson offers little in the way of coherent feedback. StuGov is much like that roommate who insists on tidying up the suite even though you totally know which pile of stuff has what. When they’re home you eye them with seething resentment; when they’re not, everything mysteriously becomes more difficult.
With their newly realized authority, however, the potential for improvement is limitless.
“What did we do to manage this achievement, you ask? Our best. That’s what we did,” added Vice President Crouton. “And if you think you could somehow do better, openings for spring semester close on Nov. 24. Available on Engage, Student Portal and the Student Life Facebook group, those application/declaration forms are your ticket to power and influence.”
Indeed, this “we’ll see” has upended all of StuGov’s spring agenda. With their newly unlocked power, the E-Board has eagerly begun working on once unthinkable tasks like universal job placements at Goldman Sachs and allowing hotplates in the dorms. Rumor has it they’ve even set their sights on the greatest prize of all: the highly coveted “we’ll get back to you on that.”
Ian Hoyt is a columnist. Email him at
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