Graphic by Megan Eloise/The Gazelle

Going off of What Kipling Said…

A revised version of the poem “If—” by Rudyard Kipling. If you say something in class and only look to your male counterparts for a response or a nod ...

May 7, 2016

Graphic by Megan Eloise/The Gazelle
A revised version of the poem “If—” by Rudyard Kipling.
If you say something in class and only look to your male counterparts for a response or a nod of approval,
If you publicly champion feminist causes but make inappropriate sexual innuendos to girls in private,
If you can't go off of what a girl says without feeling the need to rephrase it,
If you constantly mistake humor for a lack of understanding in a girl,
If you champion the underdog but the underdog is only ever the postcolonial male subject,
If you have an academic fixation on the subaltern and yet decide to adopt an exclusively masculine definition of the term,
If you organize an independent study and invite only your guy friends to join,
If a girl raises her hand in class to make a comment or an argument and you assume she's asking a question,
If you and your friends like to run around and do dope things together, but you rarely invite girls because you think they would ruin the mood,
If you pride yourself on discussing what you refer to as feminist literature in surroundings dominated by men,
If you refuse to acknowledge that you benefit academically and professionally from the friendship and favor of your male professors,
If you gush about that girl in your class being smart but refuse to do the same for your guy friends because they are your True Intellectual Competition,
If you can only talk about a girl’s intellect with surprise in your voice,
If you’ve discredited someone’s concerns over sexism by calling them neurotic,
If you adopt outdated notions of companionship and view female romantic partners as merely sympathetic, silent listeners to your own male anguish,
If you dominate conversation with topics that only you and your male friends can talk about,
If the dynamic in your friend group is such that female members feel compelled to distance themselves from their own gender and fellow women,
If a girl makes a point in class and you follow up with "I think what she means to say is..."
If a girl makes an ironic joke and you assume she's being serious because you don't think girls are capable of humor,
If you have mocked girls for their bodies and associated bodily functions,
If you shame girls for wearing too much makeup,
If you think it’s impossible for you to be a misogynist because you once read short excerpts on gender theory for your core class,
If you find only the girls who agree with you smart, and deem those who don't opinionated at best, bitchy at worst,
If you award yourself brownie points for correcting a girl, despite having misunderstood her argument because of your sexist expectations for her intellect,
If you’ve described girls as being “too quiet” in class and fail to recognize how receptive and encouraging classroom settings are to male voices,
If you live in the fear of being “whipped” by your significant other,
If you think of women first as sexual opportunities, and then as intellectual beings,
Then you’ll be a Misogynist, my son!
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